10/26/2006 Pre-anxiety
**Let me say before I start this post that I'm not consumed by these..just things that pop into my head occasionally throughout my day. The following are just my rambling thoughts that I need to get out so they aren't bumping around in my brain.
So now that the "news" has had time to sink in about us having the go ahead, the thoughts are starting to set in. I'm wondering how long it's going to take to get pregnant. I'm wondering how I'll ever be able to handle a toddler with morning sickness. Last time I had morning sickness I just went to bed when I didn't feel good. That's not an option this time. I wonder how I'll handle being so tired and having a toddler AND working and keeping the house clean, the laundry washed, the life cycle going in our home. I am just switching jobs and am liking the new place I'm working so I don't want to appear to be slacking off. I'm wondering how I'll handle the super-tired first trimester through the first few months. How will I juggle everything?
And then I start to wonder how I'll do as my pregnancy progresses. I've decided I don't want to know what we're having. I think that H (husband) will. Maybe I can convince him not to find out. This isn't really a worry or anything...just something I think about. Also, what exciting way will we tell our family? Lots of ideas pop into my head and then I think of those people in our lives who are super cautious and will give us that "look" of "disapproval." I know I shouldn't worry about that but I know I'm/we're going to get it from a few people. I/we wouldn't be making this decision if I wasn't informed. It's not like I'm going into this blindly.
Then I start to think about the third trimester. How will my heart handle it? How will my body handle it? When do we make the decision for H to have the V if that's what we decide? Before or after the baby is born? And what to make of my hospital stay? Who will keep the little man? Who will I have in the birth room? I wonder what my feelings will be when I give birth? Will I be in awe and happy or will I feel the pang of that bittersweet feeling knowing this will be my last or will I feel a combination of all of it? And what happens if I have complications? Who will help us out? Should we hire someone to clean the house or ask family? Will mom stay with us to help us out?
I think the thing I think about the most is our little man. How will he fair from it all? How will he do with mommy being in the hospital for a few days after delivery before coming home with a new intruder?
In all these questions, I know that I shouldn't be worrying about them but at the same time there is always that wonder. I know that all mothers experience these same types of thoughts but I feel like there's an exclamation point behind each question knowing that there is always the possibility...there is the unknown. I keep reminding myself that maybe that unknown is that everything will go smashingly and I'll do fine, baby will do fine and we'll be home in three days rather than seven this time.
Oh God, please strengthen my faith before I walk this road. I am really going to need alot of courage, grace, hope and faith on this journey. Help me to lean into your arms of love to carry me through this. AMEN!
So now that the "news" has had time to sink in about us having the go ahead, the thoughts are starting to set in. I'm wondering how long it's going to take to get pregnant. I'm wondering how I'll ever be able to handle a toddler with morning sickness. Last time I had morning sickness I just went to bed when I didn't feel good. That's not an option this time. I wonder how I'll handle being so tired and having a toddler AND working and keeping the house clean, the laundry washed, the life cycle going in our home. I am just switching jobs and am liking the new place I'm working so I don't want to appear to be slacking off. I'm wondering how I'll handle the super-tired first trimester through the first few months. How will I juggle everything?
And then I start to wonder how I'll do as my pregnancy progresses. I've decided I don't want to know what we're having. I think that H (husband) will. Maybe I can convince him not to find out. This isn't really a worry or anything...just something I think about. Also, what exciting way will we tell our family? Lots of ideas pop into my head and then I think of those people in our lives who are super cautious and will give us that "look" of "disapproval." I know I shouldn't worry about that but I know I'm/we're going to get it from a few people. I/we wouldn't be making this decision if I wasn't informed. It's not like I'm going into this blindly.
Then I start to think about the third trimester. How will my heart handle it? How will my body handle it? When do we make the decision for H to have the V if that's what we decide? Before or after the baby is born? And what to make of my hospital stay? Who will keep the little man? Who will I have in the birth room? I wonder what my feelings will be when I give birth? Will I be in awe and happy or will I feel the pang of that bittersweet feeling knowing this will be my last or will I feel a combination of all of it? And what happens if I have complications? Who will help us out? Should we hire someone to clean the house or ask family? Will mom stay with us to help us out?
I think the thing I think about the most is our little man. How will he fair from it all? How will he do with mommy being in the hospital for a few days after delivery before coming home with a new intruder?
In all these questions, I know that I shouldn't be worrying about them but at the same time there is always that wonder. I know that all mothers experience these same types of thoughts but I feel like there's an exclamation point behind each question knowing that there is always the possibility...there is the unknown. I keep reminding myself that maybe that unknown is that everything will go smashingly and I'll do fine, baby will do fine and we'll be home in three days rather than seven this time.
Oh God, please strengthen my faith before I walk this road. I am really going to need alot of courage, grace, hope and faith on this journey. Help me to lean into your arms of love to carry me through this. AMEN!
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