10/19/2006 - The "why" of it all
I went through a very traumatic experience emotionally, mentally, physically AND spiritually. Why would I want to chance putting myself through that again? I feel like if I simply listen to the research, listen to the fears, listen to the worries, listen to all the unknowns that I will continue to live in fear. I have been given a very hard decision to make. Yes, I do believe God can work and He has healed me thus far. I do believe that there are risks. I do believe that God can carry me. No, I'm not putting myself in danger for the simple fact of testing God's strength in my life. I would never do that.
We are making this decision because we don't want to live the rest of our lives thinking what could have been. We could have had another baby and never had any complications. We could have experienced so much joy from another child. We could have provided a sibling for our son. We could have assisted the medical world in helping to find answers for this. We could have, we could have, we could have.
There are so many things that are pointing towards our decision of a "yes, we want to do this." I've talked about adoption with DH and he doesn't want to go that route.
DH and I have talked EXTENSIVELY about this subject. Before I knew I was recovered we said a definite, emphatic NO to having another one. I cried and told him I couldn't put myself in that situation. I couldn't possibly think of leaving him with one baby and possibly two. I just could not do it.
In August of 2005 we found out that my heart had recovered and was doing well. I saw a glimmer of hope. I saw the silver lining poking through. I saw some light in the tunnel of darkness I had been walking emotionally, grieving for future children that I just knew I wouldn't have. I saw Jesus opening my eyes to things in my life that so desperately needed attention.
This experience was hard, the hardest thing I've ever walked in my life. BUT this experience was also a blessing. When everything first happened I was angry...angry at God for allowing my baby to spend a week in limbo in the NICU not knowing if he was going to live...angry for Him allowing me to get sick to where I couldn't spend time with my baby...angry at Him for putting us through this decision making process. But you know, God is so gracious and so faithful and I learned so much.
Through this situation I was not only changed physically, my body forever altered by pregnancy and the ravages of pregnancy, but my heart will never be the same emotionally or physically, my mind will never be the same mentally and my spirit will never be the same. In the midst of trial, in the midst of fear, in the midst of sadness and in the midst of hopelessness, God spoke. He gently lifted me and carried me. I know what it is to see those footprints in the sand…that one set that are His as he carried me through this time in my life that I thought I could not possibly take on more emotion and heartache, that I could not possibly bear to live anymore because I was hurting so badly. I know there will come times when I will have harder things to walk through but up until this point in my life this has been the most trying experience yet for me.
Somedays I am emotionally raw when I think of everything that I’ve learned about myself in the last almost two years. It is eye opening, heartwrenching and breathtaking all at the same time. I am thankful for what I went through. I am thankful that I learned what I did. I am thankful that it took this in my life for God to truly change me, to do work in my life that I had been resisting Him doing, to open me up and force me to pour my life out, to turn me inside out and bring me to my knees, to change me, to love me, and to allow myself to feel His arms wrapping me tightly and closely as I mourned. Mourned the death of the life I had hoped for, mourned the loss of future babies that I wouldn’t hold, I wouldn’t nurse, I wouldn’t love, mourn the pregnancy and labor and delivery process that I had hoped for so long to have. After all the mourning, God was so gracious to allow me to feel peace and His river of life coursing through my body to heal me.
But in all this, I just know in my heart that another pregnancy is something that I need to do to finish the healing process. If God wills us to have another baby, I believe He will allow it to happen. Our hearts and minds are in this for the long haul. We know the risks, we know the potential for complications, we know the precautions. However, we also know the joy, the change, the closeness that comes from walking hand in hand with God as He gently leads us. I am willing to be led and willing to let go. I am willing to say “yes Lord, here I am, I am coming, do with me as you see fit and is pleasing in your sight.” I am willing to allow Him to work through me. I honestly believe that I have touched and have been touched through this experience in ways that I would have never thought of touching someone elses’ life. Perhaps we will get to experience that with another pregnancy but in a different way.
I am cautiously optimistic but also hopeful that another pregnancy will continue the healing process emotionally that I embarked on when I opened up my arms and ran full force into the arms of God. So the reason we are going to go forward? I know without a doubt that I am carried and that God will finish the good work He started in my life when I was just a twinkle in my own mother’s eyes. There are some selfish reasons we will be going through this but also very unselfish reasons. Sometimes in life you make decisions and just trust and this is one of those things for us. Sometimes there are decisions in your life that you don’t know the whys, the hows, the whos, but you know the YES. You just know deep down in your heart that this is what you’re supposed to do. You can’t explain it in words…you just know. We just know and I think have known from the start but had to open up and allow God to show us things that were beyond our human point of view.
Our glass is half full and we are thankful.
We are making this decision because we don't want to live the rest of our lives thinking what could have been. We could have had another baby and never had any complications. We could have experienced so much joy from another child. We could have provided a sibling for our son. We could have assisted the medical world in helping to find answers for this. We could have, we could have, we could have.
There are so many things that are pointing towards our decision of a "yes, we want to do this." I've talked about adoption with DH and he doesn't want to go that route.
DH and I have talked EXTENSIVELY about this subject. Before I knew I was recovered we said a definite, emphatic NO to having another one. I cried and told him I couldn't put myself in that situation. I couldn't possibly think of leaving him with one baby and possibly two. I just could not do it.
In August of 2005 we found out that my heart had recovered and was doing well. I saw a glimmer of hope. I saw the silver lining poking through. I saw some light in the tunnel of darkness I had been walking emotionally, grieving for future children that I just knew I wouldn't have. I saw Jesus opening my eyes to things in my life that so desperately needed attention.
This experience was hard, the hardest thing I've ever walked in my life. BUT this experience was also a blessing. When everything first happened I was angry...angry at God for allowing my baby to spend a week in limbo in the NICU not knowing if he was going to live...angry for Him allowing me to get sick to where I couldn't spend time with my baby...angry at Him for putting us through this decision making process. But you know, God is so gracious and so faithful and I learned so much.
Through this situation I was not only changed physically, my body forever altered by pregnancy and the ravages of pregnancy, but my heart will never be the same emotionally or physically, my mind will never be the same mentally and my spirit will never be the same. In the midst of trial, in the midst of fear, in the midst of sadness and in the midst of hopelessness, God spoke. He gently lifted me and carried me. I know what it is to see those footprints in the sand…that one set that are His as he carried me through this time in my life that I thought I could not possibly take on more emotion and heartache, that I could not possibly bear to live anymore because I was hurting so badly. I know there will come times when I will have harder things to walk through but up until this point in my life this has been the most trying experience yet for me.
Somedays I am emotionally raw when I think of everything that I’ve learned about myself in the last almost two years. It is eye opening, heartwrenching and breathtaking all at the same time. I am thankful for what I went through. I am thankful that I learned what I did. I am thankful that it took this in my life for God to truly change me, to do work in my life that I had been resisting Him doing, to open me up and force me to pour my life out, to turn me inside out and bring me to my knees, to change me, to love me, and to allow myself to feel His arms wrapping me tightly and closely as I mourned. Mourned the death of the life I had hoped for, mourned the loss of future babies that I wouldn’t hold, I wouldn’t nurse, I wouldn’t love, mourn the pregnancy and labor and delivery process that I had hoped for so long to have. After all the mourning, God was so gracious to allow me to feel peace and His river of life coursing through my body to heal me.
But in all this, I just know in my heart that another pregnancy is something that I need to do to finish the healing process. If God wills us to have another baby, I believe He will allow it to happen. Our hearts and minds are in this for the long haul. We know the risks, we know the potential for complications, we know the precautions. However, we also know the joy, the change, the closeness that comes from walking hand in hand with God as He gently leads us. I am willing to be led and willing to let go. I am willing to say “yes Lord, here I am, I am coming, do with me as you see fit and is pleasing in your sight.” I am willing to allow Him to work through me. I honestly believe that I have touched and have been touched through this experience in ways that I would have never thought of touching someone elses’ life. Perhaps we will get to experience that with another pregnancy but in a different way.
I am cautiously optimistic but also hopeful that another pregnancy will continue the healing process emotionally that I embarked on when I opened up my arms and ran full force into the arms of God. So the reason we are going to go forward? I know without a doubt that I am carried and that God will finish the good work He started in my life when I was just a twinkle in my own mother’s eyes. There are some selfish reasons we will be going through this but also very unselfish reasons. Sometimes in life you make decisions and just trust and this is one of those things for us. Sometimes there are decisions in your life that you don’t know the whys, the hows, the whos, but you know the YES. You just know deep down in your heart that this is what you’re supposed to do. You can’t explain it in words…you just know. We just know and I think have known from the start but had to open up and allow God to show us things that were beyond our human point of view.
Our glass is half full and we are thankful.
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